I miss you.
I miss you and think about you often. At first I didn’t. At first you hardly crossed my mind as we crossed the state lines. Plus, I found ways to replace you. I have 9 months of adorable love lay snuggled up sleeping beside me. This may have something to do with it. She’s not the only one with blaming fingers pointed at her though, I have them too. I have changed. The point is I miss you, my community, and I want you back. I was lazy in our relationship, and I am sorry.
How we got separated is clear. I was drunk on wanderlust and high on baby. I pushed you aside in favor of new vistas, experiences and mommyhood.
What Changed? We pulled into San Diego in September of 2012 with an 8 month old baby in my womb. We pulled out of San Diego with a 4 month old infant in our arms. I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me to leave my local San Diego community. I love them, laugh with them, lean on them and lift them up. I swirl us all together like mixing paint and my soul is a better tie-dye color with each interaction….But we did leave for our annual March in Austin time. We are making (what is becoming) our usual loop from SD to TX to CO to NV WA (via MT this year) to OR and back to CA. Something is a little off though, my hearts not fully in it. I want my heart to be in it. For a family that is mobile I feel very stagnant.
- I am tongue-tied in the drafts I’ve started for our blog. I have to force myself to want to share. I don’t. And there is plenty to share. We are traveling with a daughter (“How’s that work?” One may ask). Seeing people and places, trying things, eating at great places, etc (“How’s that going?” One may wonder).
- I constantly complain about space and mutha’ flippin’ dog hair.
- I am practically counting down the days till we are back on San Diego.
- I refer to San Diego as “home”. Not Dolly the RV and wherever we may be in her.
- I daydream about a sticks and bricks.
- I tell my “Ah ha! moment” story a lot. (LSS: We were living in a house in Vegas and I put Siena in a HIGHCHAIR –something I don’t have in the RV. Fed her, then let her make a mess of the food while I ran a quick BATH–something I don’t have in the RV. Dipped her in the bath. Got her in jammies and put her in her WALKER–something that I can’t use in the RV while I put the highchair tray in the DISHWASHER–yep, don’t have this in the RV either. “Why the hell have I been reinventing the wheel?!?” I thought…and keep thinking!)
- I feel like a liar when people gush about our great life “you’re living the dream” and I agree. It used to be a wholehearted agreement, now it’s a “yeah, it’s fun to see family and friends.” Because it is.
What I fear about ending Operation Tally Ho.
- I couldn’t live with myself if I was the one crushing our nomadic and minimalist life to shove us into the ‘burbs to have 2.5 kids and a mortgage strangling us.
- I don’t want to miss a moment of Siena’s life. And I want her life to be amazing. Seeing loved ones, breathtaking views, national treasures, etc. is an amazing way to raise your kiddos and teach them about the country we live in. We are so blessed to have this life and I want this for her.
- We mustn’t forget those that we get to see while traveling either. I would be so sad and miss those that we “live with” on the road if we were stationary.
What I want.
I don’t know. I am torn. Some days I want desperately to be off the road and in a sticks and bricks. But then we are in a gorgeous area picking berries till our hands are purple, or we are at the top of a Mt in MT and the wind picks my hair off my neck to take my sent to the next peak, or the rain is falling at 4pm (like it always did in CO in the summers of my youth) and I’m there again in CO to smell it. The examples are endless and all amazing experiences THAT WE COULD NOT HAVE just living in CA. I guess what I want is:
- A floor with more room that my daughter can be on without being covered in dog hair and water from the dog bowls.
- To be kind to my dogs. Something I struggle with in a very small space.
- I want a bed for my daughter so I can lay against my husband again. I miss the smell of him sleeping.
- I want Siena to be a Jr. Ranger with a deep respect for Earth, her people, creatures, food and weather. I want her to see different cultures and to respect our differences. I want her to be adaptable and solution oriented. Mostly, I want her to be happy and healthy. And this is a happy and healthy lifestyle.
Would I be 100% into Tally Ho again if we just had more space? I want to have more children, and soon. We need beds!! And I am over our current decor. Dolly the RV needs a facial peel. Perhaps a central vacuum system for all the damn dog hair? Why, oh why, won’t Bret Michaels Rock our RV?!?
Aside from needing a rocked out RV, mostly I think I need you back. You, my community. I don’t even know who you are any more. I have a community in San Diego. Friends and family. But not even really close friends any more. My friends have moved on to local friends. I don’t blame them, but I still feel sadness because of it. I searched tonight at length for travelers with younger kiddos. I found, and got excited about, a few blogs only to discover that they had moved out of their RV and back into a home. Exactly what I think about. Poop!
This is my message in a bottle tonight: You, the Mom who travels with your young kid(s), who practices gentle parenting, who breastfeeds, who eats organic, who likes to craft… If you are out there–please find me. Send me some love and let’s be friends. For you who I have left behind while we wander, please know that I miss you –A LOT!! And I love you as much today as ever. To my blogging friends, I’ve been a crappy blogger and blog reader and I’m sorry. I would like to catch up with you soon. And to you, Bret Michaels, his Producers and/or anyone with pull: please rock our RV. I have a wish list!! (A girl can dream!) ;)
Speaking of dreaming–SWEET DREAMS!